1 00:00:27,255 --> 00:00:30,940 Where will I go, of your Spirit? 2 00:00:33,660 --> 00:00:35,940 And where will I flee from your presence? 3 00:00:37,561 --> 00:00:39,347 If I went up to heaven? 4 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,275 What if I went down to the depths? 5 00:00:44,068 --> 00:00:46,068 There you are! 6 00:00:46,787 --> 00:00:50,557 If he took the wings of dawn, and I live at the end of the Sea? 7 00:00:51,668 --> 00:00:53,668 Even there your hand would reach me! 8 00:00:56,008 --> 00:00:57,303 night and day 9 00:00:58,310 --> 00:01:00,310 darkness and light 10 00:01:01,476 --> 00:01:02,824 They are the same for you. 11 00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,862 You formed my insides 12 00:01:13,275 --> 00:01:14,627 you formed me 13 00:01:16,262 --> 00:01:18,262 You saw my bones grow 14 00:01:19,301 --> 00:01:21,301 while my body was forming 15 00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:23,380 you saw me 16 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:27,126 your thoughts 17 00:01:27,372 --> 00:01:29,372 how deep 18 00:01:29,808 --> 00:01:31,808 how precious 19 00:01:37,275 --> 00:01:39,275 I will never understand them. 20 00:01:50,774 --> 00:01:53,120 I look back, and there you are, 21 00:01:56,737 --> 00:01:58,916 I look ahead, and there you are. 22 00:02:00,503 --> 00:02:02,790 My ways are known to you. 23 00:02:03,282 --> 00:02:04,317 my fall, 24 00:02:04,599 --> 00:02:05,625 and my get up. 25 00:02:08,005 --> 00:02:13,280 My days were already planned when not one of them existed 26 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,015 "THE HEART OF MAN" 27 00:03:00,483 --> 00:03:02,483 - Every story has a context, 28 00:03:02,507 --> 00:03:04,507 every human being has a story. 29 00:03:06,474 --> 00:03:08,974 The story of the prodigal son 30 00:03:09,473 --> 00:03:11,473 shows us this, 31 00:03:11,498 --> 00:03:13,498 beautiful.... 32 00:03:13,523 --> 00:03:15,523 revelation... 33 00:03:15,547 --> 00:03:18,720 of the very essence of God in our humanity 34 00:03:20,342 --> 00:03:21,894 - We see God the Father, 35 00:03:22,353 --> 00:03:23,771 who is the Father, 36 00:03:24,112 --> 00:03:28,015 and each of us, man or woman, we are the children. 37 00:03:30,856 --> 00:03:32,856 And what the Father does is work 38 00:03:34,784 --> 00:03:36,784 to open a way, 39 00:03:38,316 --> 00:03:40,725 so that they know the truth of his existence. 40 00:03:57,447 --> 00:04:00,333 - We are his children and He is our Abba 41 00:04:00,358 --> 00:04:02,358 What does our Daddy mean? 42 00:04:02,619 --> 00:04:06,231 There is something inside us who knows what it is to have 43 00:04:06,293 --> 00:04:07,633 the longing to be 44 00:04:07,895 --> 00:04:12,093 a little protégé for a great Father! 45 00:04:12,156 --> 00:04:14,011 Many of us didn't have one, 46 00:04:14,091 --> 00:04:16,770 but those who do, understand well what it is 47 00:04:16,795 --> 00:04:20,701 sit on his lap and know that He smiles at us. 48 00:04:40,553 --> 00:04:41,564 - Everyone... 49 00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:42,786 we have... 50 00:04:43,259 --> 00:04:45,259 the innate ability... 51 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:46,962 to believe... 52 00:04:47,730 --> 00:04:48,910 and receive... 53 00:04:49,216 --> 00:04:50,259 to a... 54 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,621 wonderful father, even though we didn't have one 55 00:05:09,816 --> 00:05:14,420 - there is a longing deep inside of our being of belonging. 56 00:05:18,472 --> 00:05:21,649 The hope that in somewhere there is a table 57 00:05:21,674 --> 00:05:25,184 where we really feel at ease with ourselves, 58 00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:33,266 where we don't have to hide or keep our secrets. 59 00:05:39,246 --> 00:05:42,262 There have always been interpersonal relationships 60 00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:44,286 and we were created to live in community. 61 00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:58,609 - Many times our first experience or 62 00:05:58,633 --> 00:06:00,037 perception of God will be 63 00:06:00,507 --> 00:06:02,196 through the relationship 64 00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:03,843 with our Father 65 00:06:04,046 --> 00:06:05,081 or other 66 00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:06,763 father figure 67 00:06:06,811 --> 00:06:11,912 yes this was misrepresented and if this person has not left his role, 68 00:06:12,082 --> 00:06:13,788 Even so, we adapt 69 00:06:14,566 --> 00:06:17,468 our vision of God based on that person. 70 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,723 My dad didn't have the chip to be a dad. 71 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,834 He was never a father or I had an idea of how to be one, 72 00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:27,643 As a child I remember that I was always angry. 73 00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:29,667 and I didn't want anything with him, 74 00:06:31,612 --> 00:06:34,578 it took me fifty years 75 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,400 to take away God's face from my dad. 76 00:06:41,227 --> 00:06:42,814 - I was at a friend's house 77 00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:46,874 of the family and some of the boys maybe had 78 00:06:47,861 --> 00:06:50,154 thirteen or fourteen years old and... 79 00:06:50,971 --> 00:06:54,185 He basically made me have oral sex with him, 80 00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:55,831 as for me... 81 00:06:55,968 --> 00:06:58,686 I didn't know that was bad, 82 00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:01,305 I didn't know what was happening 83 00:07:01,329 --> 00:07:04,070 But I knew I should tell no one. 84 00:07:04,094 --> 00:07:05,513 and not feeling... 85 00:07:06,112 --> 00:07:08,639 the freedom to tell it 86 00:07:08,663 --> 00:07:10,663 It hurt me. 87 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:15,375 My dad was not present, I didn't trust him 88 00:07:15,706 --> 00:07:18,167 and the only man I had close abuse of me 89 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:21,974 So I didn't trust him either. and therefore in no man. 90 00:07:22,564 --> 00:07:26,641 . That perverted my vision for men, perverted my perception of authority, 91 00:07:27,385 --> 00:07:29,746 It perverted my perception of God. 92 00:07:53,877 --> 00:07:56,778 - Parents have the ability to teach their sons and daughters 93 00:07:56,802 --> 00:07:58,934 so that they know who they truly are, 94 00:08:06,066 --> 00:08:08,848 and when a father doesn't when no one teaches us 95 00:08:08,872 --> 00:08:10,887 we are exposed to any lie 96 00:08:10,911 --> 00:08:12,217 that anyone tells us. 97 00:08:38,206 --> 00:08:40,337 - It perplexes me that 98 00:08:40,361 --> 00:08:42,965 illicit sexual conduct and pornography 99 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:46,631 fill me more than the presence of God, 100 00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:49,599 that's crazy. 101 00:09:15,839 --> 00:09:18,319 - In twenty-nine years of marriage 102 00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:20,500 there have been 103 00:09:21,446 --> 00:09:24,154 from three to fifteen……. 104 00:09:25,575 --> 00:09:27,673 infidelities, I say 105 00:09:27,921 --> 00:09:31,422 well, there were times of one or two years 106 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,308 where everything was fine 107 00:09:33,332 --> 00:09:38,463 and I thought it was something that had been left in the past 108 00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:39,947 and...... 109 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,202 and I fell into the same thing again. 110 00:09:48,749 --> 00:09:50,749 - I remember being at the games 111 00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:52,367 in the kindergarten 112 00:09:52,588 --> 00:09:54,550 looking for girls to touch them, 113 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,938 watching porn on television 114 00:09:59,123 --> 00:10:02,555 I had a life size doll 115 00:10:03,756 --> 00:10:05,457 which he rode, 116 00:10:05,668 --> 00:10:06,708 I remember 117 00:10:06,790 --> 00:10:09,061 that she was a very sexual girl 118 00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:14,235 when you see a five year old girl You don't expect me to know all that, 119 00:10:14,496 --> 00:10:17,231 You don't expect a five year old girl is doing 120 00:10:17,324 --> 00:10:19,442 things when their parents sleep 121 00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:23,664 but I did it, I didn't realize account of what 122 00:10:23,688 --> 00:10:26,189 step had affected me until what was I seeing 123 00:10:26,753 --> 00:10:27,424 excuse me 124 00:10:27,451 --> 00:10:29,023 I was watching an episode of Oprah 125 00:10:30,584 --> 00:10:34,582 and a woman was talking about how They had raped and abused her, 126 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:40,125 and I remember that it described what It happened then I realized 127 00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:41,291 Oh! 128 00:10:41,321 --> 00:10:46,267 I was abused, I didn't know it, just like I didn't know that what happened to me was wrong, 129 00:10:46,862 --> 00:10:52,933 I didn't know it had affected me either. deeply, affecting my behavior 130 00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:56,491 Pornography, doing it secretly. 131 00:10:57,269 --> 00:11:00,385 He had me enslaved, it clicked! 132 00:11:00,686 --> 00:11:02,957 I was fourteen years old and 133 00:11:03,219 --> 00:11:07,182 I understood that what he did to me boy it was bad, 134 00:11:08,212 --> 00:11:10,063 But I didn't know how to stop either. 135 00:11:10,428 --> 00:11:12,680 I didn't know how to free myself from that, 136 00:11:18,490 --> 00:11:22,372 I didn't know who to talk to, or how to talk to someone like that 137 00:11:22,451 --> 00:11:24,168 I did what I knew how to do 138 00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:27,829 because for me that was the path to happiness. 139 00:11:28,303 --> 00:11:29,314 The sex. 140 00:11:55,456 --> 00:11:58,861 - I feel like there is something wrong with me 141 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,331 so I don't say anything to anyone 142 00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,355 but it's like everyone knows 143 00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:09,144 It's like something on my face everyone can see 144 00:12:09,644 --> 00:12:11,462 that if you get close enough 145 00:12:11,573 --> 00:12:14,494 It makes me feel uncomfortable around people, makes me insecure 146 00:12:14,518 --> 00:12:16,126 makes me act, 147 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:22,389 I become a great actor I long so much that... you love me 148 00:12:22,686 --> 00:12:26,797 and I think if I'm funnier or more talented, cooler 149 00:12:27,019 --> 00:12:30,556 or more witty or am I the center of attention, 150 00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:34,131 you will consider me someone worthy to know and love. 151 00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:35,682 But I don't believe it 152 00:12:36,745 --> 00:12:39,739 I always felt that God 153 00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:43,466 He was half disgusted with me. 154 00:12:58,687 --> 00:13:01,841 - Hearing that He loves me didn't move me because 155 00:13:02,039 --> 00:13:04,578 In the end he's going to judge me anyway, 156 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,639 When it's all over he won't be happy. 157 00:13:08,114 --> 00:13:10,746 Because of where I am or because of who I am, so 158 00:13:11,854 --> 00:13:14,594 I don't feel close to Him, I don't feel intimacy with Him 159 00:13:14,618 --> 00:13:17,630 I don't feel the freedom to talk to Him 160 00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,756 because He is there and I am here. 161 00:13:27,998 --> 00:13:31,813 - I think not shame, it's more than a self-judgment 162 00:13:32,008 --> 00:13:37,332 indicating that there is something unpleasant, distorted and broken in us 163 00:13:37,824 --> 00:13:41,055 so much so that if someone saw would like to interact with us 164 00:13:41,094 --> 00:13:42,944 nor us with them. 165 00:14:08,366 --> 00:14:13,030 - Shame is what drives my compulsive behavior 166 00:14:13,688 --> 00:14:16,623 Either way I'll never be enough 167 00:14:17,178 --> 00:14:18,924 so I have permission, 168 00:14:19,638 --> 00:14:20,822 I have the right 169 00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:23,030 of doing bad. 170 00:14:34,782 --> 00:14:37,871 - The best case scenario, so to speak it would be 171 00:14:38,315 --> 00:14:41,474 one day I realized how bad I was so I asked for help 172 00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:44,380 Yes, Nope! 173 00:14:45,221 --> 00:14:50,490 Some of us are so bad that We can't think outside of ourselves, 174 00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:54,636 many of us have to be discovered one way or another 175 00:14:54,787 --> 00:14:57,741 and that is an immense grace and terrifying at the same time 176 00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:16,613 - I thought it was just pornography 177 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,250 it didn't affect anyone and I knew immediately 178 00:15:20,948 --> 00:15:22,948 who was at a crossroads. 179 00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,551 Melanie and I lived in an apartment 180 00:15:26,281 --> 00:15:29,687 It was Saturday morning and she went to the supermarket 181 00:15:30,401 --> 00:15:35,723 and I was in an adult chat, I contacted someone 182 00:15:36,261 --> 00:15:39,334 and that Saturday morning... 183 00:15:39,874 --> 00:15:43,518 the computer was on and the chat window open and... 184 00:15:44,676 --> 00:15:47,934 she wrote and on the screen it said... I can... 185 00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:52,220 Can I go to Birmingham tonight? if you want me to go. 186 00:16:56,531 --> 00:16:58,045 I said yes! 187 00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:03,687 - That night I had my first adventure and cross the line 188 00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:06,425 that I had sworn never to cross. 189 00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:12,720 - The best option I had living in the dark 190 00:17:14,355 --> 00:17:16,815 was to keep everything a secret 191 00:17:17,005 --> 00:17:20,847 because keeping everything a secret no one would get hurt 192 00:17:21,403 --> 00:17:23,920 In retrospect now that it was a lie 193 00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:28,338 probably the biggest lie what he said, 194 00:17:28,853 --> 00:17:32,823 it came to light that he was being unfaithful with a friend's wife, 195 00:17:32,847 --> 00:17:34,236 my life collapsed. 196 00:17:35,945 --> 00:17:40,477 - I received a call, it was Kim saying... I'm waiting for you in your office 197 00:17:40,942 --> 00:17:42,101 and I know it. 198 00:17:42,584 --> 00:17:44,584 was all he said 199 00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:49,339 and what she knew I knew when she said it 200 00:17:50,132 --> 00:17:52,137 It was that I had three months in infidelity 201 00:17:52,162 --> 00:17:54,194 with one of her best friends. 202 00:19:24,687 --> 00:19:27,614 - The most inexplicable reality throughout the universe 203 00:19:27,638 --> 00:19:29,048 it's probably this 204 00:19:29,341 --> 00:19:33,666 like having it all, even so you want something you shouldn't have 205 00:19:34,063 --> 00:19:37,898 That's crazy, you have billions of dollars 206 00:19:38,183 --> 00:19:41,047 and you sell your soul for a coin on the ground. 207 00:19:41,499 --> 00:19:44,636 Trying to explain this what we can say is 208 00:19:44,921 --> 00:19:49,022 God gave us freedom to love and We don't have the option to say no. 209 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,864 There's no point in saying yes. 210 00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:40,121 If we understand that sex It's not just about sex. 211 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,200 It's not just about fighting with lust. 212 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:45,070 Lust is unbridled desire, 213 00:20:45,249 --> 00:20:47,439 every man and woman struggles with lust 214 00:20:47,979 --> 00:20:51,591 looking for something to fill our emptiness. 215 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:55,566 Imagine that when you feel empty, angry, ashamed 216 00:20:55,715 --> 00:20:59,072 when you feel things in your body that are not working well 217 00:20:59,254 --> 00:21:05,075 and one act will give you immediately 200 or 300% more 218 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:08,394 of what you normally live with in a moment 219 00:21:08,759 --> 00:21:11,207 Let's say that will be more addictive, 220 00:21:11,453 --> 00:21:14,135 let's say this will become compulsive 221 00:21:19,318 --> 00:21:22,264 many of us feel lust that we satisfy 222 00:21:22,756 --> 00:21:24,680 and that disgusts us, 223 00:21:25,005 --> 00:21:27,845 Even so, we see that we need even more 224 00:21:28,249 --> 00:21:30,353 to take away that feeling. 225 00:21:31,075 --> 00:21:34,781 eventually we see that It's an addition and it's going to kill us. 226 00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:22,487 - Over time in those chat groups 227 00:22:23,066 --> 00:22:25,838 I had… I had seven adventures and... 228 00:22:26,322 --> 00:22:28,042 I didn't even know their names. 229 00:22:28,495 --> 00:22:29,741 I didn't know... 230 00:22:30,653 --> 00:22:32,317 I didn't know anything about them 231 00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:34,209 just that 232 00:22:34,233 --> 00:22:36,233 at that moment they made me feel 233 00:22:36,613 --> 00:22:37,955 feel valued 234 00:22:38,494 --> 00:22:40,860 and when he fought, when I fought with my wife 235 00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:43,650 they made me... they made me... they made me feel, 236 00:22:43,674 --> 00:22:45,674 They made me feel better in many ways. 237 00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:49,706 this became my escape in which he went more and more often 238 00:23:41,526 --> 00:23:45,656 - All the ways in which he expressed my sexuality, pornography, masturbation 239 00:23:45,926 --> 00:23:48,146 Deep down I knew it was wrong, 240 00:23:48,757 --> 00:23:50,289 I felt bad 241 00:23:50,622 --> 00:23:55,858 but it was liberating, pleasurable, satisfied something in me 242 00:23:56,850 --> 00:24:00,306 although satiety did not last long which was frustrating 243 00:24:00,339 --> 00:24:04,958 It was how I do it today I have to do tomorrow and the next day, 244 00:24:05,133 --> 00:24:08,991 and I have to do it the next day, because I don't know how to stop 245 00:24:21,092 --> 00:24:22,688 - It was like taking drugs 246 00:24:23,363 --> 00:24:25,363 It was like… 247 00:24:26,243 --> 00:24:29,338 There is a lot of guilt and shame 248 00:24:29,615 --> 00:24:32,804 associated with this and at the same time you feel fly 249 00:24:33,089 --> 00:24:35,657 the remedy for me was to commit another infidelity, 250 00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:41,045 got caught in the circle vicious of shame 251 00:24:41,489 --> 00:24:47,102 And wanting to feel good and... that was my drug 252 00:24:56,292 --> 00:25:01,224 - I don't know if being abused causes same sex attraction 253 00:25:02,143 --> 00:25:04,821 Or do I reveal what was already there? 254 00:25:05,186 --> 00:25:09,803 but I do remember being attracted to women in kindergarten 255 00:25:09,828 --> 00:25:11,435 and then in primary school 256 00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:17,143 What led me to do and feel? very sexual inside 257 00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:20,880 but I did not have the freedom to talk about it with someone 258 00:25:21,538 --> 00:25:25,984 so when I got to high school I became uninhibited 259 00:25:26,071 --> 00:25:30,780 of what I had kept for so long and I looked for a relationship with another woman, 260 00:25:30,804 --> 00:25:34,067 It felt like an adventure, If it can be explained, I thought 261 00:25:34,471 --> 00:25:37,294 I have wanted for years do this. 262 00:25:48,259 --> 00:25:52,172 - One of my favorite authors of the 20th century is Malcolm Muggeridgel 263 00:25:52,636 --> 00:25:59,991 and one morning he was young and he got up and decided to go... to swim in the river, 264 00:26:27,175 --> 00:26:29,175 There she was without clothes, 265 00:26:37,144 --> 00:26:39,908 and at that moment she becomes 266 00:26:40,582 --> 00:26:44,122 in the spotlight of all your universe 267 00:27:10,220 --> 00:27:16,135 so…he goes towards her with the intention of seducing her 268 00:27:38,987 --> 00:27:40,628 and she is leper 269 00:28:05,802 --> 00:28:07,802 - I remember that night 270 00:28:08,889 --> 00:28:11,370 full of shame and now 271 00:28:11,988 --> 00:28:16,251 And I never had the courage to tell him Melanie my battle with porn 272 00:28:16,275 --> 00:28:20,554 He discovered me several times, but I I always minimized it and tried to avoid it, 273 00:28:21,609 --> 00:28:25,500 but now he was an adulterer had broken the vows 274 00:28:26,126 --> 00:28:30,224 what had he done to her and had done to God 275 00:28:30,973 --> 00:28:37,742 It was one thing to have a secret but Now that secret became immense, 276 00:28:38,829 --> 00:28:41,292 It became huge and suffocated me 277 00:28:42,069 --> 00:28:46,937 it was a slide and nothing was sacred because 278 00:28:47,238 --> 00:28:49,478 because when the pain is so deep 279 00:28:49,629 --> 00:28:51,866 you do anything to alleviate it 280 00:28:52,366 --> 00:28:54,840 and that became my life 281 00:28:55,887 --> 00:28:59,625 the shame of my actions and the torment of not being able to say no 282 00:28:59,931 --> 00:29:01,383 because it was not acceptable, 283 00:29:01,408 --> 00:29:06,684 I didn't want to be exposed and I had to continue fighting for this to collapse 284 00:29:07,644 --> 00:29:12,446 - It didn't matter how much you bathed, you will dress up, you will speak, you will act 285 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:15,048 correctly the disgrace.... 286 00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:18,706 It's there to tell you that you're worthless. 287 00:29:18,928 --> 00:29:21,921 that you are a mockery, a farce. 288 00:29:21,945 --> 00:29:26,860 Look at you! You fell again, perverse! God doesn't love a man as bad as you! 289 00:29:27,439 --> 00:29:29,439 You must earn that love. 290 00:29:32,895 --> 00:29:38,493 - And now I hide because I fear God's response to me 291 00:29:39,017 --> 00:29:43,116 now everything i do from that point 292 00:29:43,140 --> 00:29:49,841 is trying to cover myself for I don't look so bad, and I live... 293 00:29:50,659 --> 00:29:54,146 trying to meet many expectations 294 00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:57,317 controlling my behavior to be seen well 295 00:29:58,269 --> 00:30:00,269 and my motivation is fear 296 00:31:08,505 --> 00:31:11,639 - I always feared that porn addiction 297 00:31:11,663 --> 00:31:15,539 I had disqualified myself to have a relationship with God 298 00:31:17,275 --> 00:31:20,751 I told him hundreds of times that I wouldn't do it anymore, 299 00:31:20,775 --> 00:31:23,655 because of guilt and shame what I felt 300 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,980 and that from now on It would be different. 301 00:31:27,884 --> 00:31:31,794 and fought hard to return to have the love of the father and reach 302 00:31:31,818 --> 00:31:36,761 a place where I could have that relationship with him again 303 00:31:47,988 --> 00:31:50,118 I finally gave up 304 00:31:50,675 --> 00:31:52,675 I got tired of trying. 305 00:32:05,298 --> 00:32:10,737 Melanie didn't know about my infidelity, until I was on my seventh adventure 306 00:32:11,102 --> 00:32:13,362 buy some things for that meeting 307 00:32:13,854 --> 00:32:16,372 and found the receipt in my wallet, 308 00:32:16,443 --> 00:32:20,064 I wonder about the articles bought and me.... 309 00:32:20,651 --> 00:32:23,981 and caught me off guard, I started to hesitate 310 00:32:24,020 --> 00:32:27,292 and she knew that...that she was... that I was lying. 311 00:32:30,654 --> 00:32:33,281 - It was six months old had my baby, 312 00:32:33,884 --> 00:32:36,618 nine months ago I was pregnant and... 313 00:32:36,769 --> 00:32:40,473 two and a half years ago there was our other son was born and the knowledge... 314 00:32:40,642 --> 00:32:43,698 who had had sex with someone else and with me 315 00:32:45,277 --> 00:32:46,683 It was devastating, 316 00:32:47,571 --> 00:32:51,494 It's something very... very difficult when 317 00:32:52,327 --> 00:32:55,942 the person who should give you security It's no longer reliable so 318 00:32:56,164 --> 00:33:00,359 Who can I trust? Where am I going?, and I wanted to know why? 319 00:33:01,066 --> 00:33:03,922 because? If here I am, and why? 320 00:33:04,977 --> 00:33:07,754 Look for someone else instead of me that he wasn't enough with me. 321 00:33:28,072 --> 00:33:32,503 After separating for six months I... we tried again 322 00:33:33,931 --> 00:33:37,118 a year after fighting for save our marriage 323 00:33:37,903 --> 00:33:41,922 I contacted someone again and I had another adventure, 324 00:33:43,152 --> 00:33:45,841 after my wife gave me another chance, 325 00:33:47,571 --> 00:33:49,284 after seven adventures, 326 00:33:50,752 --> 00:33:52,308 and do it again! 327 00:33:53,244 --> 00:33:57,461 after receiving so much grace, how I made him unfaithful again 328 00:34:05,291 --> 00:34:08,353 I couldn't understand or believe, How come I come back to this? 329 00:34:09,003 --> 00:34:11,827 What was so corrupted inside me? 330 00:34:12,779 --> 00:34:17,253 What prevented me from receiving the good that God had given me. 331 00:34:17,784 --> 00:34:20,209 - I think I did everything I could to… 332 00:34:20,668 --> 00:34:23,822 fix my marriage deal with my problems, 333 00:34:23,846 --> 00:34:26,107 with my sin, but... 334 00:34:26,678 --> 00:34:30,491 Unfortunately it ended in divorce. 335 00:34:54,790 --> 00:34:59,008 - There is a character in the story who hates kindness, 336 00:34:59,255 --> 00:35:02,583 beauty and truth and that character 337 00:35:02,661 --> 00:35:06,259 He is the one who hates the beauty that is in God 338 00:35:06,338 --> 00:35:10,003 and we see that in practically all the stories, stories of 339 00:35:10,027 --> 00:35:11,857 how we discovered our sexuality 340 00:35:11,947 --> 00:35:13,947 how the abuse got in to our life 341 00:35:13,987 --> 00:35:18,174 there is someone who is bringing and spreading condemnation 342 00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:19,713 in order to destroy. 343 00:35:24,060 --> 00:35:27,823 - when I went to primary school in oakland california 344 00:35:28,478 --> 00:35:34,442 a beautiful and quiet area, but there was a bully boy in my class 345 00:35:35,259 --> 00:35:39,022 and hit the others, not to me because it was funny 346 00:35:39,949 --> 00:35:45,407 but one day Lynch told me I'll wait for you on the train tracks 347 00:35:45,645 --> 00:35:49,872 It was a place where everyone we met, 348 00:35:50,105 --> 00:35:56,126 There was a car full of oranges and there the distributed throughout the country 349 00:35:56,165 --> 00:35:58,452 and we used to go there to eat oranges, 350 00:35:59,571 --> 00:36:02,438 but it was saturday if only there were the two of us, 351 00:36:03,169 --> 00:36:06,748 I got on the wagon and he followed me 352 00:36:07,684 --> 00:36:10,995 and he looked at me as if to say 353 00:36:11,709 --> 00:36:13,178 now everything will be different 354 00:36:14,035 --> 00:36:18,088 and he told me what he was going to do to me 355 00:36:18,378 --> 00:36:21,807 to rape me and what I was going to do it to him, 356 00:36:23,204 --> 00:36:28,987 I don't know if I was scared, intimidated or overwhelmed, but I did it. 357 00:36:31,193 --> 00:36:35,584 And the first thing I thought was, no one should ever know. 358 00:36:43,237 --> 00:36:46,539 - I was in a boarding school It's a totally different world, 359 00:36:46,641 --> 00:36:49,991 the older boys came in the night and abused the little ones 360 00:36:50,165 --> 00:36:53,267 and that became something everyday. 361 00:36:53,401 --> 00:36:57,289 It was very hard. When I was six years old 362 00:36:57,725 --> 00:37:02,526 I had already become perverted enough to be an abuser 363 00:37:02,997 --> 00:37:04,662 At six! 364 00:37:18,565 --> 00:37:20,514 Let's talk frankly about abuse 365 00:37:21,013 --> 00:37:22,885 to the enemy it gives... 366 00:37:22,924 --> 00:37:27,226 so much pleasure to bring you humiliation to your sexuality 367 00:37:27,431 --> 00:37:29,689 Why? why it is profitable for you. 368 00:37:29,714 --> 00:37:33,249 How long does it take to get started? in pornography? 369 00:37:33,450 --> 00:37:34,640 Five minutes. 370 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:39,028 How long does it take to abuse a boy or girl?, literally seconds. 371 00:37:39,306 --> 00:37:42,789 And how long does the effect last? humiliation in a life? 372 00:37:43,018 --> 00:37:46,753 All life! so, for a few seconds of rape, 373 00:37:47,784 --> 00:37:52,249 disgrace, tragedy, violence, self-hatred, 374 00:37:52,375 --> 00:37:54,950 confusion because of the excitement I felt, 375 00:37:55,593 --> 00:37:59,716 combined with hatred for feeling that while the abuse was happening 376 00:37:59,914 --> 00:38:01,897 This leaves the heart divided. 377 00:38:01,971 --> 00:38:05,996 - There is nothing... more devastating in my opinion 378 00:38:06,186 --> 00:38:08,900 in terms of human experiences 379 00:38:09,503 --> 00:38:13,351 That totally destroy the soul like sexual abuse. 380 00:38:13,930 --> 00:38:19,396 Reach places you never have before they should touch and he breaks them 381 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,497 I met a girl, 382 00:38:36,088 --> 00:38:39,908 daughter of a preacher who was instilled within the church 383 00:38:41,130 --> 00:38:45,032 that when bad things happen it is because that you are bad and God has to 384 00:38:45,096 --> 00:38:47,356 punish so that justice returns to your own order. 385 00:38:47,423 --> 00:38:50,797 And his parents told him, Following that tradition, which... 386 00:38:50,940 --> 00:38:53,024 she was God's punishment for them. 387 00:38:53,191 --> 00:38:54,190 She was, 388 00:38:54,215 --> 00:38:56,461 He sent me an email telling me this story, 389 00:38:57,135 --> 00:39:00,330 I have made two impressive statements 390 00:39:01,346 --> 00:39:06,538 One was: Paul as a child did not I knew the difference between God and Satan 391 00:39:06,562 --> 00:39:10,447 except... in front of satan I always knew my place 392 00:39:13,798 --> 00:39:17,726 The figure of Santa was more accurate and certain than that of God. 393 00:39:20,479 --> 00:39:22,479 And many of us think that. 394 00:39:26,592 --> 00:39:28,910 And this is the accusation that we see in Eden 395 00:39:29,140 --> 00:39:31,985 in the snake's mouth at its first talk about God, 396 00:39:32,127 --> 00:39:33,635 you can't trust him 397 00:39:34,365 --> 00:39:35,652 it's not always good 398 00:39:36,421 --> 00:39:37,599 he's going to lie to you, 399 00:39:37,908 --> 00:39:40,213 He doesn't want you to reach your potential, 400 00:39:42,387 --> 00:39:43,916 The second thing he wrote to me: 401 00:39:44,154 --> 00:39:45,663 I'm not afraid of death 402 00:39:46,591 --> 00:39:50,346 but it terrifies me to see his look disgust on his face when we meet. 403 00:39:53,142 --> 00:39:55,142 Many of us think like this, 404 00:39:55,602 --> 00:39:57,012 that the truth is that 405 00:39:58,194 --> 00:39:59,456 we are worthless. 406 00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:28,681 - Once I preached in a church, 407 00:41:28,743 --> 00:41:33,381 about fatherhood and brokenness sexual of the human heart. 408 00:41:36,095 --> 00:41:40,045 I remember preaching the verses on how to be free 409 00:41:40,147 --> 00:41:42,874 of additions, of which we are free in Christ 410 00:41:43,294 --> 00:41:45,827 and I was very condescending and judged 411 00:41:46,183 --> 00:41:48,053 to some men in that church, 412 00:41:48,385 --> 00:41:53,177 How…how can you continue in pornography? when Jesus is transforming the world 413 00:41:53,241 --> 00:41:56,189 you know put your pants on and grabs the sword. 414 00:41:57,499 --> 00:41:59,499 I remember coming back from that trip 415 00:42:00,729 --> 00:42:02,089 I went for a walk 416 00:42:03,373 --> 00:42:08,138 and I remember... having had such a desire to watch porn 417 00:42:09,606 --> 00:42:11,451 I immersed myself in pornography 418 00:42:12,784 --> 00:42:17,762 If it wasn't enough I went to my office and I did it again and again, 419 00:42:19,738 --> 00:42:22,711 I ended up so stunned that I knew I couldn't go home 420 00:42:58,956 --> 00:43:05,521 I woke up and felt the sensation that God wanted to talk to me, but I thought 421 00:43:06,179 --> 00:43:09,035 It would just be absolute rage. 422 00:43:11,909 --> 00:43:13,241 Still, talk to Him, 423 00:43:13,266 --> 00:43:16,077 that happened later graduating from a Christian school 424 00:43:16,964 --> 00:43:20,468 After decades of call myself a believer and I continue... 425 00:43:20,801 --> 00:43:22,106 stuck in this 426 00:43:23,511 --> 00:43:26,094 It was a double sided thing, I felt like… 427 00:43:27,141 --> 00:43:28,702 hypocritical at that time 428 00:43:29,846 --> 00:43:33,878 and suddenly I had a vision that fills me... 429 00:43:35,512 --> 00:43:36,676 my mind 430 00:43:38,001 --> 00:43:39,843 I remember that I saw myself in jail, 431 00:43:39,894 --> 00:43:42,940 Handcuffed, they had a plate of food and walked 432 00:43:42,965 --> 00:43:45,575 in the cafeteria prison between the tables 433 00:43:46,463 --> 00:43:50,497 and no one let me sit and I found an empty chair and sat down, 434 00:43:51,647 --> 00:43:53,432 and then Jesus enters…. 435 00:43:54,798 --> 00:43:56,188 and he is dressed like... 436 00:43:56,633 --> 00:43:57,859 prisoner 437 00:43:58,359 --> 00:43:59,636 like me, 438 00:44:01,137 --> 00:44:03,280 sits in front of me, 439 00:44:05,637 --> 00:44:07,184 and doesn't say anything, 440 00:44:08,938 --> 00:44:12,281 and then I ask him would you eat with me again? 441 00:44:14,963 --> 00:44:17,228 And he told me, like with you as many times as you want, 442 00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:20,198 By the way, the door is open, 443 00:44:22,285 --> 00:44:24,285 you can leave whenever you want; 444 00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:29,609 When I decide to separate myself from Him, 445 00:44:29,892 --> 00:44:31,659 and go the darkness, 446 00:44:32,750 --> 00:44:34,750 He is with me there, 447 00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:38,405 and he is not angry, 448 00:44:40,134 --> 00:44:42,134 his gaze is on me 449 00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:46,321 and loves me. 450 00:44:52,514 --> 00:44:54,514 I wasn't demanding… 451 00:44:55,554 --> 00:44:56,699 to stop me, 452 00:44:57,833 --> 00:45:00,422 He demanded that I invite him to that moment 453 00:45:01,962 --> 00:45:05,019 to help me understand How did I get into that situation? 454 00:45:05,543 --> 00:45:07,112 and the background of the situation 455 00:45:08,112 --> 00:45:10,461 to help me find what I'm really looking for. 456 00:45:13,481 --> 00:45:15,373 I…I melted. 457 00:45:26,492 --> 00:45:28,492 You know it's... very... 458 00:45:28,881 --> 00:45:30,208 different 459 00:45:32,232 --> 00:45:34,232 read that I am loved, 460 00:45:37,970 --> 00:45:41,394 very different read I will be with you 461 00:45:42,246 --> 00:45:46,626 but see that he is with me in my addiction. 462 00:45:49,030 --> 00:45:52,944 see what is with me in jail 463 00:45:54,824 --> 00:45:56,808 in illness, in the… 464 00:45:58,125 --> 00:46:01,555 in relapse once and again and again and again 465 00:46:02,745 --> 00:46:04,745 That's what changes me. 466 00:46:40,890 --> 00:46:45,526 - They kicked me out of the house and I was alive in a hotel separate from my family 467 00:46:45,550 --> 00:46:49,509 wondering how Had I ruined my life like that? 468 00:46:49,929 --> 00:46:51,386 How did I get here? 469 00:46:52,132 --> 00:46:54,414 Why did they give me one more day? 470 00:46:55,438 --> 00:46:57,984 and being a policeman he had weapons 471 00:46:58,523 --> 00:47:02,022 I don't know if I had before suicidal thoughts, but I thought 472 00:47:02,331 --> 00:47:07,527 If that's the way out, so I can end the pain and everyone happy, 473 00:47:07,688 --> 00:47:11,078 Kevin, already dead, cannot hurt his family, he can't anymore 474 00:47:11,103 --> 00:47:15,518 hurt his friends and The pain goes away, everyone is happy. 475 00:47:17,867 --> 00:47:19,181 - The decision was clear 476 00:47:19,776 --> 00:47:22,086 either I faced Kim or I committed suicide. 477 00:47:23,023 --> 00:47:25,307 until today I can't explain it How do I get through the city? 478 00:47:26,892 --> 00:47:28,778 when I arrive at parking, I park 479 00:47:28,803 --> 00:47:31,549 knowing that Kim is there inside waiting for me 480 00:47:33,366 --> 00:47:35,730 between.... and face it, 481 00:47:37,174 --> 00:47:38,616 hit bottom. 482 00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:43,200 She turns on against me and hours later I tell him 483 00:47:45,501 --> 00:47:47,161 ok, if we do this, 484 00:47:49,430 --> 00:47:52,367 I have to tell you every secret I keep. 485 00:47:54,272 --> 00:47:55,780 because these secrets 486 00:47:56,065 --> 00:47:58,780 They have tormented me all my life, 487 00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:04,460 naively, 488 00:48:05,119 --> 00:48:06,417 answer me ahead, 489 00:48:08,995 --> 00:48:10,422 I destroyed it, 490 00:48:11,335 --> 00:48:12,723 He told me that... 491 00:48:13,779 --> 00:48:18,426 I was never going to believe a word of what he digests for the rest of his life. 492 00:48:22,767 --> 00:48:26,335 Standing on the cliff looking To the abyss I thought, what should I do. 493 00:48:28,803 --> 00:48:30,803 I felt that there was no nothing true in me, 494 00:48:35,001 --> 00:48:37,132 when you no longer know if There is something true in you, 495 00:48:40,642 --> 00:48:44,376 I described this to a friend who dressed me at my house 496 00:48:45,828 --> 00:48:48,035 I wonder where you you feel at this moment 497 00:48:48,060 --> 00:48:49,734 and I described him in the edge of the abyss 498 00:48:52,187 --> 00:48:53,369 I told him you know... 499 00:48:54,266 --> 00:48:55,442 how I feel... 500 00:48:59,251 --> 00:49:00,540 that... 501 00:49:00,643 --> 00:49:02,762 I am a pile of dried excrement. 502 00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:07,781 and I am very afraid. 503 00:49:10,932 --> 00:49:13,824 I'm afraid that he wind blows and takes everything away 504 00:49:15,157 --> 00:49:16,711 and there will be nothing left. 505 00:49:19,956 --> 00:49:21,695 My friend said, 506 00:49:22,703 --> 00:49:24,314 Paul there is a seed, 507 00:49:27,235 --> 00:49:29,235 and I thought, if there is a seed 508 00:49:30,862 --> 00:49:32,862 something will grow. 509 00:49:34,893 --> 00:49:36,387 I have no idea what. 510 00:49:38,062 --> 00:49:41,408 But it will be something real and alive, 511 00:49:43,447 --> 00:49:44,869 can grow, 512 00:49:45,933 --> 00:49:49,132 and all my hope He focused on that seed. 513 00:49:55,599 --> 00:49:59,682 And when the prodigal son hits rock bottom, something can grow. 514 00:50:02,142 --> 00:50:03,612 And it begins to emerge 515 00:50:04,778 --> 00:50:06,386 and start living. 516 00:50:07,203 --> 00:50:09,972 And realign every element of his humanity 517 00:50:10,908 --> 00:50:12,353 own dignity, 518 00:50:13,654 --> 00:50:15,067 purpose and destiny. 519 00:50:34,331 --> 00:50:38,353 - The scary thing about a liberation, especially of the soul 520 00:50:38,519 --> 00:50:41,667 It's just that I don't control how much happens or how. 521 00:50:48,968 --> 00:50:51,713 I just feel like it's about to happen, 522 00:51:00,659 --> 00:51:03,794 I know that he comes to my rescue and who loves me too much like 523 00:51:03,819 --> 00:51:07,732 to leave me in the world that I built for myself. 524 00:52:40,288 --> 00:52:44,074 - If there were a lake that would It would be surprising to hear God be serious, 525 00:52:44,415 --> 00:52:46,249 I'm not ashamed of you 526 00:52:47,130 --> 00:52:49,130 No, ...I'm not scared to see you, 527 00:52:49,343 --> 00:52:51,343 I want your heart 528 00:52:51,367 --> 00:52:57,264 Do you think I want to change you, what do I want? change you, ruin you always judge you 529 00:52:57,605 --> 00:53:01,105 That trial is already resolved, 530 00:53:01,129 --> 00:53:03,620 all your sin has already been paid for, 531 00:53:03,961 --> 00:53:08,047 all I want is may you know my delight 532 00:53:08,332 --> 00:53:09,751 even in your brokenness. 533 00:53:09,901 --> 00:53:11,901 - See this ring... It has a cross. 534 00:53:12,845 --> 00:53:14,845 is an object of torture 535 00:53:16,225 --> 00:53:18,329 but this is a precious symbol for me 536 00:53:19,463 --> 00:53:22,974 because God can take the bad that is in me 537 00:53:23,561 --> 00:53:26,820 get to the lowest place I can be 538 00:53:27,217 --> 00:53:28,855 and he takes it 539 00:53:29,021 --> 00:53:32,243 takes to transform it into something that is now precious 540 00:53:37,732 --> 00:53:41,540 - I met Preston at a poetry event in Los Angeles 541 00:53:41,795 --> 00:53:45,745 I was sharing my testimony of having been lesbian 542 00:53:45,776 --> 00:53:47,692 and he shared his having... 543 00:53:48,327 --> 00:53:50,854 been to be a man lustful and promiscuous. 544 00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:52,575 We met saying 545 00:53:53,297 --> 00:53:57,965 It's my past and yours, we We connected and became friends, 546 00:53:59,011 --> 00:54:02,463 We were friends for three years, but in our friendship; 547 00:54:03,938 --> 00:54:06,324 It was strange because God used him 548 00:54:06,966 --> 00:54:10,289 to show me that no all men were equal, 549 00:54:10,653 --> 00:54:13,624 I still believed that everyone men were like my dad 550 00:54:14,013 --> 00:54:18,244 that they were unstable, that they were not loving, who were compassionate, 551 00:54:18,269 --> 00:54:21,536 that they were not sensitive, that They were not reliable. Preston was… 552 00:54:21,973 --> 00:54:24,574 all that and constant, 553 00:54:24,780 --> 00:54:26,780 in our friendship 554 00:54:27,414 --> 00:54:29,414 God used him 555 00:54:29,818 --> 00:54:34,000 to knock down my walls, to help heal me from 556 00:54:34,024 --> 00:54:36,024 so many wounds, 557 00:54:36,095 --> 00:54:38,821 although when we started our relationship I thought 558 00:54:39,812 --> 00:54:44,530 you're not going to hurt me, I was on the defensive for years. 559 00:54:44,911 --> 00:54:50,136 I think my lesbianism was more which sexual attraction was deeper 560 00:54:50,461 --> 00:54:52,088 I trusted them, 561 00:54:52,112 --> 00:54:54,778 I blindly trusted women 562 00:54:54,802 --> 00:54:58,613 I trusted them with my vulnerability, I trusted them who I really was. 563 00:54:58,852 --> 00:55:04,058 And being with Preston was in my opinion In this position ready to be ravaged 564 00:55:05,344 --> 00:55:07,595 I remember we were in Trinidad for... 565 00:55:08,037 --> 00:55:12,064 a presentation and I told him that I didn't know why I was with him 566 00:55:12,241 --> 00:55:14,246 I didn't know why I wasn't with a woman 567 00:55:14,729 --> 00:55:16,276 Why am I with you? 568 00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:19,575 I don't feel the same about you that, for women, 569 00:55:20,335 --> 00:55:23,161 and…. we left trinity 570 00:55:23,447 --> 00:55:26,980 without speaking to each other and the next day I sent a message that said; I love you 571 00:55:27,567 --> 00:55:30,478 and I disarm it made me want to cry 572 00:55:31,136 --> 00:55:33,136 I disarm myself, because 573 00:55:33,239 --> 00:55:34,752 This is Christ! 574 00:55:34,776 --> 00:55:40,743 when we don't want Him yet That's how he looks for us, despite, of course 575 00:55:40,768 --> 00:55:45,166 I'm going to marry this man when he loves me like Jesus. 576 00:55:52,518 --> 00:55:56,748 - the greatest truth and the truth that I and men like me can hear is 577 00:55:57,049 --> 00:56:00,288 God is with me, in my shadows 578 00:56:01,700 --> 00:56:03,800 that God is with me in my shame 579 00:56:05,554 --> 00:56:07,927 and is with me in my addition, 580 00:56:09,720 --> 00:56:13,564 in my pain, in me instability, in my wounds, 581 00:56:13,778 --> 00:56:15,778 that I don't want anyone else to see. 582 00:56:22,164 --> 00:56:23,569 - For many of us 583 00:56:23,593 --> 00:56:27,023 It's been a long road and an impossible longing when saying 584 00:56:28,682 --> 00:56:32,356 always wait for a father to protect me, to teach me 585 00:56:32,688 --> 00:56:33,926 that I enjoyed, 586 00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:38,365 let me know that I am totally your son 587 00:56:38,745 --> 00:56:43,709 totally part of this family and that nothing I do is going to change that. 588 00:57:56,835 --> 00:58:01,664 - When I choose to see myself as God sees me and not how I see myself or how people see me 589 00:58:01,862 --> 00:58:04,683 is when we feel full and with true joy 590 00:58:05,588 --> 00:58:09,730 That removes discouragement and also searching in other people. 591 00:58:10,475 --> 00:58:12,475 because until we hug 592 00:58:13,236 --> 00:58:18,621 God's opinion and your opinion is absolute, has authority and has 593 00:58:18,791 --> 00:58:23,695 weight in eternity, when we embrace we know our identity. 594 00:58:28,771 --> 00:58:31,283 - Part of the process of me healing was going to the place 595 00:58:31,308 --> 00:58:36,109 where I finally understood that my importance comes from who I am 596 00:58:36,450 --> 00:58:38,903 and not about the things I do 597 00:58:40,046 --> 00:58:43,348 We have based everything we say 598 00:58:43,784 --> 00:58:45,482 in a frame 599 00:58:46,267 --> 00:58:48,473 theological disciplinary reference 600 00:58:49,687 --> 00:58:51,397 where God 601 00:58:51,674 --> 00:58:54,477 He has turned his face away from those he loves 602 00:58:55,310 --> 00:58:58,558 because of our inability to live within its guidelines 603 00:58:59,844 --> 00:59:02,342 That's a lie, It's not true. 604 00:59:03,096 --> 00:59:07,161 He has come to free us to be fully human and live fully. 605 00:59:08,090 --> 00:59:11,162 - God wants you naked, why? Because he wants to dress you 606 00:59:11,383 --> 00:59:14,011 God wants to intervene In your anguish, why? 607 00:59:14,048 --> 00:59:17,689 because really He wants you to taste his joy. 608 00:59:17,713 --> 00:59:22,033 We often think that God wants us to conform 609 00:59:22,118 --> 00:59:26,840 when you really want it bring you an incredible transformation 610 00:59:27,260 --> 00:59:31,066 If we could enter the depths of your love, 611 00:59:31,090 --> 00:59:34,896 there we would find our life completely transformed. 612 01:00:26,305 --> 01:00:28,305 God saves our tears, 613 01:00:28,844 --> 01:00:34,397 tears are the essence tangible of a broken heart 614 01:00:35,206 --> 01:00:41,776 the beauty of the collected tears is that my sadness really means something 615 01:00:42,494 --> 01:00:44,354 and that's how 616 01:00:44,379 --> 01:00:45,896 How redemption happens. 617 01:00:46,823 --> 01:00:49,642 even in the most destroyed places. 618 01:00:51,697 --> 01:00:57,275 - When God showed himself in my life when I saw that he was a friend and Lord, savior, 619 01:00:57,568 --> 01:01:02,782 good and forgiving, When I saw all that my wish was, 620 01:01:03,179 --> 01:01:07,256 Jesus, and I considered that loving Him 621 01:01:07,907 --> 01:01:12,770 If not, it would help me sustain myself. and walk free from everything, 622 01:01:12,794 --> 01:01:14,061 I didn't know how, 623 01:01:14,712 --> 01:01:19,747 I didn't know how to get away, I only know that in that moment I couldn't do anything but love Him. 624 01:01:31,450 --> 01:01:35,664 - When He calls us Saints, He makes an amazing statement from us 625 01:01:35,806 --> 01:01:38,013 that already defines us as sinners 626 01:01:43,970 --> 01:01:45,647 and that we have a choice 627 01:01:45,671 --> 01:01:49,705 can I continue living the same 628 01:01:50,935 --> 01:01:52,265 I can decide. 629 01:01:53,161 --> 01:01:55,161 It's little by little at first 630 01:01:56,122 --> 01:02:00,079 and more and more, but It is a choice in time 631 01:02:01,023 --> 01:02:03,023 where I say God 632 01:02:03,634 --> 01:02:05,634 this is who you say i am 633 01:02:07,380 --> 01:02:09,059 I am your beloved 634 01:02:09,313 --> 01:02:10,907 I am made new 635 01:02:11,256 --> 01:02:12,551 I'm good. 636 01:02:15,559 --> 01:02:20,302 You made all that change in me, the day that I believed what you did on the cross. 637 01:02:23,293 --> 01:02:25,293 It's a choice I must make 638 01:02:26,317 --> 01:02:30,700 It's hard for me to take the risk because I see my behavior, 639 01:02:31,362 --> 01:02:35,132 I must stop trusting my self-assessment, 640 01:02:36,274 --> 01:02:39,658 and do this incredibly risky 641 01:02:39,983 --> 01:02:44,203 to believe that He is right, that God is right that is what I am now. 642 01:03:05,073 --> 01:03:07,427 -There is a huge difference between love and obsession, 643 01:03:09,307 --> 01:03:12,389 obsession is a perception of your imagination facing something, 644 01:03:18,404 --> 01:03:20,708 that's why pornography is so attractive because 645 01:03:20,756 --> 01:03:23,276 It is the projection of your imagination of your being being satisfied, 646 01:03:30,188 --> 01:03:32,847 has nothing to do with another person as a person, 647 01:03:37,172 --> 01:03:39,774 a part of my liberation of pornography was, 648 01:03:40,249 --> 01:03:42,392 have a contact real with a real woman, 649 01:03:43,447 --> 01:03:44,930 not evasion...... 650 01:03:45,659 --> 01:03:47,176 if not with action. 651 01:03:53,874 --> 01:03:57,360 - We join again in marriage completely aware that not 652 01:03:57,385 --> 01:04:01,514 It's easy, it's climbing a mountain, that a lot of work is required. 653 01:04:03,482 --> 01:04:06,988 There are many beautiful moments, but many others that are difficult 654 01:04:07,972 --> 01:04:12,283 we were married for eleven years and divorced for six 655 01:04:12,347 --> 01:04:16,982 and on October third we will celebrate our sixth anniversary of remarriage, 656 01:04:17,648 --> 01:04:21,276 - God writes our history in a way we can't imagine, 657 01:04:21,744 --> 01:04:23,502 on the way... 658 01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:25,526 On many occasions we feel 659 01:04:25,652 --> 01:04:30,169 that is not doing well other times that he abandoned us, 660 01:04:30,486 --> 01:04:34,489 I was going behind. and there are many moments when I said God where are you. 661 01:04:36,156 --> 01:04:41,580 - Before... we tried to be the best possible before the other 662 01:04:42,048 --> 01:04:44,291 and have us both on a pedestal, 663 01:04:45,259 --> 01:04:47,613 Now that it is the second time, 664 01:04:47,875 --> 01:04:52,134 see our faults good, the bad, the ugly, everything. 665 01:04:52,785 --> 01:04:54,855 And not be scared by that 666 01:04:56,038 --> 01:04:59,048 - Knowing that the one who knows us best 667 01:04:59,643 --> 01:05:01,297 who created us, 668 01:05:01,321 --> 01:05:03,321 loves us just the way we are 669 01:05:03,392 --> 01:05:07,175 When we can accept him and receive his love, 670 01:05:07,365 --> 01:05:10,010 makes us free to we can love each other. 671 01:05:16,301 --> 01:05:18,683 - I am a damaged man sexually, even so, there is healing 672 01:05:18,715 --> 01:05:21,280 there is progress, I am holier 673 01:05:21,328 --> 01:05:24,265 not because it's better, but because I understood 674 01:05:24,455 --> 01:05:26,759 but because I understood the beauty of God in me pleased. 675 01:05:26,806 --> 01:05:29,205 shame does not control, well sometimes yes, 676 01:05:29,784 --> 01:05:31,784 but not as much as he did before. 677 01:05:31,839 --> 01:05:34,732 I am more complete and paradoxically 678 01:05:34,826 --> 01:05:38,892 I'm more broken than ever, I need more grace than before. 679 01:05:39,479 --> 01:05:43,053 When people ask me, What do I eat? Is it that we are still together? It's not that we 680 01:05:43,078 --> 01:05:48,351 We have arranged the marriage. Not anymore There was a fix, it was already about to disappear. 681 01:05:48,812 --> 01:05:56,135 It was knowing that Christ could restore him and that I wasn't going to... give up for anything. 682 01:05:58,698 --> 01:06:04,338 - I had to be totally…untangled, dismantled, down to the foundation. 683 01:06:05,076 --> 01:06:09,014 And part of what saved me It was my wife's determination, 684 01:06:09,419 --> 01:06:12,105 It took us eleven years to heal, 685 01:06:13,731 --> 01:06:15,086 eleven years 686 01:06:15,111 --> 01:06:17,138 That's what the weekend in the cabin represents, 687 01:06:17,163 --> 01:06:19,615 It's a process eleven years old, eleven years old, 688 01:06:19,908 --> 01:06:21,313 that Kim… 689 01:06:21,337 --> 01:06:23,337 I could say in front of our friends, 690 01:06:23,837 --> 01:06:26,009 I never thought I would say this, but it was worth it. 691 01:06:31,874 --> 01:06:33,525 It was worth it! 692 01:06:34,231 --> 01:06:36,231 And she is not justifying… 693 01:06:37,366 --> 01:06:38,435 nothing. 694 01:06:38,648 --> 01:06:39,966 But she says... 695 01:06:42,021 --> 01:06:44,021 there is nothing so dead 696 01:06:44,513 --> 01:06:46,513 that God cannot make it flourish. 697 01:06:59,050 --> 01:07:01,050 - The way home will always be this, 698 01:07:01,693 --> 01:07:03,513 After my great failure, 699 01:07:03,553 --> 01:07:06,947 when I'm sure it's Once I went too far and destroyed too much, 700 01:07:08,316 --> 01:07:11,516 I'm afraid to believe that I am who God says I am, 701 01:07:14,302 --> 01:07:16,979 It doesn't define me erratic behavior, 702 01:07:17,257 --> 01:07:21,655 if not something much deeper infinitely strong and constant. 703 01:07:23,235 --> 01:07:24,993 I am a new creature. 704 01:07:25,255 --> 01:07:28,292 When I risk trusting In that perspective, the power of 705 01:07:28,317 --> 01:07:31,930 the lie fades away and that constant growing in who I am 706 01:07:31,954 --> 01:07:35,791 becomes the firm rock that will break my disgrace and my addition 707 01:07:35,815 --> 01:07:38,559 so I can be free the rest of my days. 708 01:07:39,520 --> 01:07:43,351 When I risk trust this perspective, 709 01:07:44,843 --> 01:07:48,715 The power of lying fades. 710 01:07:50,813 --> 01:07:52,878 And that growing confidence… 711 01:07:53,280 --> 01:07:54,526 in who I am, 712 01:07:54,843 --> 01:07:58,872 becomes the firm rock that will break my disgrace 713 01:07:59,015 --> 01:08:00,800 and addition 714 01:08:01,545 --> 01:08:03,545 to be free 715 01:08:04,489 --> 01:08:06,489 the rest of my days. 716 01:08:10,176 --> 01:08:12,404 - We have no idea the truth of our being, 717 01:08:16,126 --> 01:08:18,828 we don't know how tireless It is the love that pursues us 718 01:08:18,880 --> 01:08:20,880 that embraces us in our brokenness 719 01:08:20,904 --> 01:08:22,904 and what sings to us so that we heal. 720 01:08:25,637 --> 01:08:28,833 We are valuable and each one of us is important, 721 01:08:29,174 --> 01:08:31,238 and the decisions we make matter. 722 01:08:40,784 --> 01:08:43,790 - Every decision to forgive, to be kind, to be authentic, 723 01:08:43,815 --> 01:08:45,829 to open ourselves to tell our secrets. 724 01:08:50,732 --> 01:08:51,765 Are…! 725 01:08:51,790 --> 01:08:52,824 things…! 726 01:08:54,388 --> 01:08:56,388 They change the cosmos! 727 01:08:58,196 --> 01:09:00,685 Not only do they change your interior if not the interior. 728 01:09:00,710 --> 01:09:03,249 of this universe created, which we inhabit. 729 01:09:07,551 --> 01:09:10,850 Who you are matters, in what you are becoming matters. 730 01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:16,748 You are the sheep whom he left ninety-nine to go find you.